dumb it down, please

Why is Lauren Conrad so pretty?  Seriously, have you seen her lately?  She's ridiculous.  And she's apparently super nice, too, so you can't even hate her, unless you're some angry, depraved puppy-kicker who hates everyone anyway, which, if you are, please stop kicking puppies.  Cats are so much more annoying.  I would totally kick a cat. 

ANYWAY, back to Lauren.  She's on the cover of May's Glamour looking just, like, awful, as you can see here: 

 Bless her heart.

And then her photo spread is pretty much enough to make you sick:

Gross, right?  Ugh.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm no lady hater.  I'm happy for Miss Conrad for being all unbelievably beautiful and everything.  Oh, you look good from every angle?  The camera loves you?  Those are really your teeth?  Good for you.  Really.  Here's what I'm upset about: this leggy, lemon-headed sex beast has the nerve to be smart, too.  Bitch!  It's true - she and some of her gal pals have a super-cute beauty blog called The Beauty Department, and unless someone else is doing all her writing and entrepreneuring (yeah, I made that up), then little Miss Lo-Lo is no dummy.  So, she's smart... AND pretty.  I see this as a totally unfair hogging of super powers!  And I know what you're thinking:  "But Leila, YOU'RE smart and pretty!"  Oh, stop it.  You're sweet.  But no, I'm quirky. I have angles. I am what the hubs and I refer to as "Facebook hot," meaning that I look okay in pictures sometimes, but if you put me under some unfavorable lighting, like, say, at a grocery store, or direct sunlight, I am cute at best.  And that's literally at best.  At worst, I am the Loch Ness monster's less-attractive older sister.  But all this is okay, see, because I am smart.  Kind of.  Usually.  About some things.  Hey, I can spell-check the shit out of that letter you just wrote to your land lady, and that's a big deal.  Nobody will take you seriously if you misspell indemnify.

So yeah, my point is basically that it's totally okay to be as knock-down, drag-out zzzegsual as Lauren Conrad, as long as you are also vapid, mean-spirited and dumber than a bag of hammers.  So good job Lauren.  You FAIL.

Wow, I feel way less awesome about myself than I thought I would after that rant.  Hmm.  Maybe smart + mean-spirited + only mildly attractive is a bad combo for me... I'll work on being less smart.