Sunday, December 29, 2013

new year's resolutions

I can literally feel you rolling your eyes right now. And I totally understand. New Year’s resolutions are nauseating.

“I’m gonna work out every day, and donate to flood/ tsunami/ fire/ earthquake victims, and make more eye contact with my kids, and only eat through a straw, blah blah blah.”

Yeah, right. Nobody actually follows through with these things. Or if they do, it doesn’t last past February 1st.  New Year’s resolutions should really be called January's Incredibly Ambitious To Do List.

So, yeah. You don't wanna hear mine and I don't blame you. But since one of my resolutions is to start blogging again, which you’ve been ASKING me to do for a really long time, well then I guess you’re just gonna sit there and listen. Besides, I’m doing things a little differently this year.

Since the last two decades have proven me to be something of an underachiever where personal goals are concerned (daily blog, what?), I’ve decided to be more realistic with my resolutions this year. I have three kids now and I just really don’t have time to wallow in the shame and defeat of years passed. That’s a single person’s leisure. Ain’t no mommy got time for that. So here is my list of *realistic* New Year’s resolutions for 2014.

1.  Meet some new people. Actually hang out with the people I already know.

2. Be more active. Jiggle my foot back and forth while sitting on the couch breastfeeding.

3. Be a better housekeeper. Figure out what that sticky stuff is in the fridge. Try to remove.

4. Post fewer pictures of my kids on Facebook. Oh, who am I kidding. They're adorable. Can't stop, won't stop.

5. Have more sex. Okay I should probably keep this one.

6. Eat at the dinner table every night. Remember to feed the kids.

7. Stop oversharing on public media. Get a Twitter account to limit characters.

8. Lose ten pounds. Just don't get diabetes.

9. Be more organized. Try not to lose the baby.

And finally, in all seriousness:

10. Blog every day. Blog once a week. To start. And it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to get done.

Phew! I feel shiny and new already.

Inspired? Please feel free to join me in my half-assed journey to slight self-improvement, or even suggest other ways in which I can try to be sort of a little bit better at a select few things. Happy New Year ya filthy animals.

Friday, December 27, 2013

well hello there, stranger

Can you believe it’s been over a year? Look how you’ve grown! Come here, let me pinch your cheeks.

Ah, it feels good to be back. And just where the hell have I been, you ask? That’s an excellent question, and I promise I’ll answer it. But first, just let me say: I have hemmed and hawed for so long about writing this silly post that it almost didn’t happen. It’s just been so long since we’ve talked that I didn’t know what say, or if I should even start writing again at all, considering the fact that on most days shaving my legs is a luxury for which time simply does not exist. (It’s been, like, WEEKS.) But alas, here I am. Still not really sure what to say but I just know I have to start somewhere. Because I miss you guys. And a handful of you have been kind enough to let me know you miss me, too. Thank you. I’m totally high-fiving you across the internet right now.
So! Let’s catch up, shall we? A few minor things have happened over the last thirteen months that you should probably know about:

  • Estie has gotten way more awesome. She talks and sings and does things real people do, like eat steak and dance to Katy Perry. She even pooped in the potty once, but then decided she didn’t want to do that again. Of course, she still has red hair, so there’s an inherent limit to her coolness, but I think she’s pretty freaking great and I intend to keep her.

Ugh, I die.

  • The ten year-old got mini hamsters. Guys, they’re like the size of tator tots. It’s a big deal. She also learned to high-dive, survived her first bitch friendship triangle, and ran for fifth-grade student council.  (She lost, despite expertly magic markered propaganda posters blasting such game-changing campaign slogans as “Vote for Annie, She’s the Manny.”  Stunningly, it appears that fifth grade politics is a total popularity contest. Who knew?)

  • I left my job as an optician and became a full time stay-at-home mommy. It’s the hardest easy job in the world, and I’m really not all that good at it to be honest with you. But I’m learning.

  • The hubs continues to be the coolest dad and life mate ever. (I guess this isn’t really a “change,” per se, but I just thought he should be included in the updates.) Take for example a common scenario at our house: upon returning home from a hard day’s work to find the house in a state of disaster just above FEMA status and a wife who is on the verge of bawling over her total failure as a human being, he lovingly assures me that as long as the children are alive, I have done my job for the day and done it well. SO SWEET, right?! I mean he’s probably just trying to get laid, but I’ll take it. Hope he likes hairy legs.

He also grew a positively hateful mustache for "Movember" this year. It was both grotesque and majestic, and it whispered things to me after the hubs fell asleep at night. Filthy things. I miss it.  RIP, Señor Selleck.

And, oh yeah:
  • In October I gave birth to a whole other person. Seriously! She’s a girl, which means we have three of those now and plenty of spare parts if one of them breaks. Her name is Alta (like alternate, not altitude) and she is about as awesome as any tiny, fragile, helpless, needy creature can be. I like her a lot.  Did I mention she also has red hair? I know, right. STOP BREEDING. It’s just further proof that when you gamble with genetics, the house usually wins.

So. Much. Orange.

Wow! It feels so good to have gotten this pesky “comeback” out of the way. Now we can get back to our usual exchange of wholesome family recipes and weight-lifting tutorials. You’re welcome. And thank you. Or something. High five!