Tuesday, March 27, 2012

spiders and other pets


Weirdo neurotic human behavior #432:  When you see a spider in your house, just one spider, and your whole body starts itching like there are spiders all over you, like they're falling from the ceiling and landing down your shirt and in your hair, and for the next three days you refuse to sit on the couch where you saw the spider, because there are probably like a thousand of his friends under the cushions waiting to crawl out and eat your face off, and then implant nests of baby spiders under your skin while you lay there without a face. 

For anyone who thinks like this (because I certainly don't - not at all) I have one question:  When have you ever seen spiders travel in groups?  Yeah, they usually don't.  They're not social creatures.  They're too busy trapping and eating their own young to make friends, so they usually travel solo.  So relax.  The next time you see a big, hairy, evil spider in your home, think of him as a new little house pet.  One with twice as many legs as your other pets (cause that's not creepy at all) and lots of pretty eyes to stalk, I mean look at you with.  And they're supposed to eat other bugs, right?  That's pretty cool.  I mean nobody wants a house full of spiders and other bugs.  I'd rather just have the one kind of bug that is so creepy and sinister that it freaking eats all the other bugs.  I mean who doesn't like that?  

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go spray chemicals on my base boards.  

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