hey girl, let's talk about our periods!

Pardon my candor, but I'm menstruating.  I know, I'm sorry, I hate that word too.  But it's not any worse than saying I'm on my period, on the rag (gross!), or bleeding vaginally for five to seven days while my reproductive organs reboot.  Or, as my eight year-old describes it, not having a baby this month.  To be honest, I find all of the traditional euphemisms for your stench trench to be rather tacky and distasteful.  I actually think the whole process is unmentionable, really, but there are some instances in a woman's life when she just has to bring it up - it's unavoidable.  Like when her husband catches her standing in front of the pantry making animal noises while eating nine month-old girl scout cookies and feverishly scanning the shelves for the next thing she can shove in her face once the box is empty.  (This has totally NEVER happened to me, by the way.)  At a time like that, a girl really needs to offer up some kind of explanation for her behavior, lest her partner become concerned for her health/waistline and attempt to approach her, or, God forbid, take her cookies away.  But no woman wants to talk to a man about her period - a subject that conjures up all sorts of unsavory images for dudes, like blood, maxi pads with wings, seventh grade sex ed class, and, you know, babies.  This is why, as modern women, we really need to find some new delicate, feminine ways to describe our monthly blood-letting without using the gross, outdated terminology of our adolescence.  We may have started our periods in middle school, but we're adults now.  We need a phrase that says, I'm okay, sweetheart, I'm just on my [delicate, feminine period euphemism], which is nature's way of keeping my body fresh and new for you.  And are you fucking SURE this is all the Thin Mints?

And so, because I pride myself on being a delicate, feminine, and most of all modest modern woman, I have compiled a list of polite, diverting ways to say, in a nutshell, that you are hungry, hormonal, and more bloated than a week-old corpse floating in a river.  The next time you find yourself bleeding from your front-butt, do not be indiscrete - try out one of these ladylike gems instead:

Saddling Old Rusty

Roping off the crime scene

Taking Carrie to the prom

There are Communists in the funhouse

The painters are in

There are strings attached

My Merlot is corked 

Riding the cotton pony

It's shark week

I'm not pregnant

Our rides are down for monthly maintenance

My vag votes Republican

The crimson cock blocker

It's blow job season

Ugly panties week

Skipping through a field of wildflowers in soft focus

Uterus puke

I'm untrustworthy right now

Manhole cover

Not wearing white pants

Up on blocks

And, for my husband, a repurposed line from Jerry Maguire: 

The fuckin' zoo's CLOSED!


Wow. I need a Midol.