Sunday, March 4, 2012

haters gonna hate

Our family has a dirty secret, and it’s time to come clean.  We are not ashamed: our sweet baby Estie is not like other babies. 

That's right, Estie is a ginger.  It’s true; her hair is the color of Garfield the cat.  How did this happen, you ask, to such a normal-looking couple?  Genetics, my dears.  It’ll getcha.  See, both Benjamin’s mother and my mother are redheads.  My mom was a freak in her family - the only ginger.  But Ben’s mama is one of seven kids, five of whom have the disease (known in scientific circles as gingervitis).  So when the hubs and I decided to reproduce, we were really asking for it.  Really playing with fire, if you will.  I try not to place blame (there’s only one copperhead on my side of the family, I’m just sayin) but I do struggle with guilt over what we have done.  The world is a cruel place.  We’ve all seen the hateful anti-ginger propaganda floating around:

My poor baby has a tough life ahead of her, full of freckle-face slurs and fire-crotch typecasting.  The stereotypes are just awful.  There’s the supposed “soulless” thing (ridiculous!), the “fiery temper” thing (also known as acute bitchiness), and the “oversexed” myth (also known as ginger slut).  Some truth can be found amidst the criticism, of course: the carpet almost always does match the drapes (or so I’ve heard), they're allergic to the sun, and, as they age, gingers don’t go gray, they go peach (it’s actually quite pretty).  With all this negativity circulating, it’s no wonder gingers get a bad rap. That’s why I’ve decided to take action in defense of these misunderstood creatures.  I owe it to my genetically disadvantaged daughter to stand up for the rights of downtrodden carrot tops everywhere.  I will become their one-woman PR campaign, single-handedly reversing their negative public image.  It will be my crusade; neigh, my quest.  Gingers are a rare and dying breed, after all – according to recent studies, less than 1% of the world’s population is naturally redheaded.  By 2060 there might not be any new dorito heads born at all.  My baby is on the endangered species list!  Please, join me in my fight to promote positivity for this last, precious generation of gingers (even though “cheeto crotch” is really fun to say).
here are a handful of attractive, successful gingers -
surely they must have souls:
julia roberts, super mega star
julianne moore, from a bunch of movies
conan o'brien, has his own late night show
christina hendricks, from mad men
emma stone, from assorted movies
adelle, she's adelle
prince harry, royalty for god's sake
florence welch, of florence and the machine
rupert grint, from harry potter (okay, I realize I'm grasping at stones now)

and the one that ruined it for everyone:

carrot top, from NOTHING

so remember, kids:
except for carrot top, gingers are people too.

even if they do look like human flame throwers.

my little endangered ginger. who says they can't do pink?

1 comment:

  1. Sweet fancy Moses.. I was trying to describe to my husband the colour of ginger this demon child I saw was...somehow we got to your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And we send our heartfelt condolences on the "condition" of your child; from now on when I look at Cheetos I won't have the look of unadulterated disgust on my face-I'll think of your little bundle of joy and cock my head in sympathy;) Brilliant!