As my little blog baby grows and takes shape with each day's post, two things are becoming clear to me:
1. I tend to write about whatever is going on in my life on that particular day. Since I am primarily a mom, a wife and a smartass, my posts are most often snarky, sarcastic rants about womanly issues like babies and periods. It's uncensored, unapologetic oversharing, and it's awful.
2. You guys love that shit! You eat it up. Seriously, I've been keeping track - it's always the crudest, bitchiest, most downright inappropriate posts that get the most views, hands down. It's sick. Or really awesome, I can't decide.
So apparently, even the most mundane, married-with-children life can be spun into entertaining material when it is drenched in cynicism and filthy humor. I guess that's my schtick. So, in the spirit of all things whiney and moany (and funny, I think) I have compiled a list - the second list in this post, if you're counting. I shall call it
Thoughts I Have Thunk Today Whilst Running Errands,
Rocking a Baby Who Is Teething and Shitting Her Brains Out, and Trying to Guide a Third-Grade Girl Into an Adolescence
That Does Not Involve Bail Bonds
1. We all have "mornings." Everyone wakes up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes. That's why I usually try to be understanding if Annie is a grouch before school. But damnit, do not try to out-morning me. If you can clearly see that I am not in the best mood myself, do not pick a fight with me over the sodium content of the cheese in your grits (or whatever). I will win, and you will walk to the bus stop in the rain. Try me.
2. It is useless to make a to-do list when your baby is sick/teething/alive/breathing. I wake up each day and think, "I'm gonna get stuff DONE today!" This is stupid, and I should quit setting myself up for failure.
3. Babies can tell when you're stressed out or overwhelmed. And without fail, they will respond to your stress by crying/kicking/screaming/generally making it impossible for you to get anything accomplished. This adds to your stress, which further fuels their freakout. The only way to break the cycle is to place your baby in a safe place and walk away, preferably out the front door and to the nearest bar.
4. Babies can smell fear. Wait, that's dogs.
5. Dogs and babies can smell fear.
6. At the grocery store today, I saw a man wearing a t-shirt that said "Stroke Hard, Finish First. Class of 2007" on the back of it. I did not see the front the shirt, so I am left with many unanswered questions:
A. This is amazing. That's actually not a question.
B. For what sport would this motto be appropriate, and where can I join the team?
C. What high school authorized a jerk-off slogan for their senior class t-shirts?
D. Is it the same school where 16 and Pregnant is filmed?
E. Where did a grown man get a Class of '07 shirt? Oh, that's right, the class of '07 is
23 now. I am incredibly old.
23 now. I am incredibly old.
7. If you work at a grocery store and cannot bag groceries in a sensible and efficient way, it's probably time to just quit high school and embrace an all-consuming meth habit. Dude, cold stuff goes with other cold stuff, right there in the insulated bag I gave you, and bread does NOT go underneath a six-pound can of baby formula. Just move over and let me do it.
8. I am not normally one to ask for help from strangers in public places. But I just have to say, it is astounding how many people will openly watch as you struggle with a baby carrier, a smart-car sized diaper bag, an armful of groceries and a shopping cart that is about to roll into the car next to you... and NOT offer to lend a hand. In the parking lot at Sooper's today, a guy actually called out to me, "Sure do have yer hands full there, don'tcha? [Douchebag chuckle]" Thank you, Captain Wit and Insight. How about, "Wow, let me grab that runaway shopping cart for you while you juggle all that heavy shit, since my hands are totally empty and I'm standing two feet away from you anyway." Asshole. I am proud to say without a doubt that my husband would rush to help out a solo mama, any day. I got one of the last good ones, though. I know this.
9. As an extension of number 8, I hereby declare on behalf of all moms that it is NOT creepy or overstepping your boundaries to offer help to a struggling mom in a public, well-lit place, provided it doesn't involve holding her baby or touching her in any way.
10. As an addendum to number 9, I hereby declare that it IS creepy to pretend to be interested in and/or charmed by my baby as a vehicle for flirting with me. You do not really think Estie's cupcake onesie is cute, you weirdo, and you are hitting on a married woman in a grocery store. This brings me to
11. Men do not have ringdar. (That's like gaydar, but for wedding rings.)
12. Ironically, gay men have ringdar, because they check out your jewelry. They are attracted to shiny things. I have many gay friends, so I can say this without it being offensive. Sort of like how white people who have black friends think they can say the N word and get away with it. They can't. I can say that gays like diamonds though, because we never had gay slaves.
13. When you reach gay slaves, it's time to end your list.
I love you guys, all of you,
and I'm so glad you're sick like me.
Til tomorrow, mes amis.