Sunday, February 26, 2012

mom's the word

There is someone on top of me right now.  It’s not what it sounds like, though – the hubs is clear across the room.  And no, he’s not playing sexy voyeur while I score some illicit extramarital action.  (Why would I be typing, anyway?)  The little body on me belongs to Estie, and she’s been asleep on my chest for the last two hours.  It’s really sweet but she’s kind of like a chubby little toaster oven, and she’s starting to sweat and stick to me.  Since I’m trapped here under her dead weight I figured I may as well knock out a blog post.  Any chance to bust out the one-finger chopsticks typing skills and I'm there, right?!  The topic of motherhood seems at the moment apropos, so why fight it. 

Fifteen fun facts about new mommyhood that only a new mommy will tell you:
1. In the beginning, there will be days (okay, sometimes a week) where you will not change out of your pj’s. 
2. There will be days you don’t shower (hopefully not a week).
3. When you do shower, you’ll skip shaving to save time.  You will be hairy, and you won’t even care.
4. You will feel ugly 85% of the time.
5. You will be tired 85% of the time.
6.  You will sleep at times you used to be awake, and be awake at times you used to sleep.
7. You will learn to blow dry your hair in a tenth of the time it used to take you.
8. You will get nothing done around your house.  Like, nothing.
9. Frozen pizzas.  Hope your family likes them.
10. You will be peed, pooped and puked on and not be grossed out - but the thought of having sex will nauseate you.   
11. Your baby will get more “action” from you than your husband.
12. You will forget things you just did or said five seconds ago.
13. You will be hormonal, and this will manifest itself in alarming and sometimes frightening ways. Hot flashes, mood swings, drinking binges. Wait, not drinking binges.  Probably.
14. You will forget things you just did or said five seconds ago.
15. You will be the craziest, weirdest, happiest and most fulfilled version of yourself you’ve ever been, and if someone offered to take it all off your hands for a day so you could shower and sleep and have sex… you’d seriously consider it, I'm not going to lie to you.  But, if you're as in love with your baby as I am, you'll say no.  Hell no.  I love my life.

*There are many other strange and startling, weird and wonderful things about being a new mom that nobody really tells you - you just have to live it.  Stay tuned for more deets on the really good stuff, like not looking at your vagina for like a month after giving birth for fear that it might resemble some fucked-up sea creature. (Spoiler alert: it doesn't!)

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