well hello there, stranger

Can you believe it’s been over a year? Look how you’ve grown! Come here, let me pinch your cheeks.

Ah, it feels good to be back. And just where the hell have I been, you ask? That’s an excellent question, and I promise I’ll answer it. But first, just let me say: I have hemmed and hawed for so long about writing this silly post that it almost didn’t happen. It’s just been so long since we’ve talked that I didn’t know what say, or if I should even start writing again at all, considering the fact that on most days shaving my legs is a luxury for which time simply does not exist. (It’s been, like, WEEKS.) But alas, here I am. Still not really sure what to say but I just know I have to start somewhere. Because I miss you guys. And a handful of you have been kind enough to let me know you miss me, too. Thank you. I’m totally high-fiving you across the internet right now.

So! Let’s catch up, shall we? A few minor things have happened over the last thirteen months that you should probably know about:

• Estie has gotten way more awesome. She talks and sings and does things real people do, like eat steak and dance to Katy Perry. She even pooped in the potty once, but then decided she didn’t want to do that again. Of course, she still has red hair, so there’s an inherent limit to her coolness, but I think she’s pretty freaking great and I intend to keep her.

Ugh, I die.

• The ten year-old got mini hamsters. Guys, they’re like the size of tator tots. It’s a big deal. She also learned to high-dive, survived her first bitch friendship triangle, and ran for fifth-grade student council.  (She lost, despite expertly magic markered propaganda posters blasting such game-changing campaign slogans as “Vote for Annie, She’s the Manny.”  Stunningly, it appears that fifth grade politics is a total popularity contest. Who knew?)

• I left my job as an optician and became a full time stay-at-home mommy. It’s the hardest easy job in the world, and I’m really not all that good at it to be honest with you. But I’m learning.

• The hubs continues to be the coolest dad and life mate ever. (I guess this isn’t really a “change,” per se, but I just thought he should be included in the updates.) Take for example a common scenario at our house: upon returning home from a hard day’s work to find the house in a state of disaster just above FEMA status and a wife who is on the verge of bawling over her total failure as a human being, he lovingly assures me that as long as the children are alive, I have done my job for the day and done it well. SO SWEET, right?! I mean he’s probably just trying to get laid, but I’ll take it. Hope he likes hairy legs.

He also grew a positively hateful mustache for "Movember" this year. It was both grotesque and majestic, and it whispered things to me after the hubs fell asleep at night. Filthy things. I miss it.  RIP, Señor Selleck.

And, oh yeah:

• In October I gave birth to a whole other person. Seriously! She’s a girl, which means we have three of those now and plenty of spare parts if one of them breaks. Her name is Alta (like alternate, not altitude) and she is about as awesome as any tiny, fragile, helpless, needy creature can be. I like her a lot.  Did I mention she also has red hair? I know, right. STOP BREEDING. It’s just further proof that when you gamble with genetics, the house usually wins.

So. Much. Orange.

Wow! It feels so good to have gotten this pesky “comeback” out of the way. Now we can get back to our usual exchange of wholesome family recipes and weight-lifting tutorials. You’re welcome. And thank you. Or something. High five!